|
Week of October 1, 2001
BARNEY & GRETA, SITTING IN A TREE. AN EVIL TREE.
 |
Hello, Historians. How are you? Good. Oh, I'm good. A little colicky,
but good. So, does anyone else think that Barney has been spending a little
too much time with Greta Biedermeier? Not that there's anything wrong with
her. She looks great in a bathing suit, and she has improved the level of
play in our regular Yahtzee tourney. But Barney has been a little off his
occult investigatory game lately, since Greta started spending all her free
time at SPONGE HQ.
|
I've been biting my tongue, mostly in deference to my friend Barney, who I
must admit has seemed happier lately. (In an "unclogged" kind of way....)
I've also been a little wary of getting the Historians in an uproar,
particularly the Broon Observation Team. They get a little jumpy whenever
people who look exactly like Broon start acting odd. But I've discussed it
with Matrin, and we decided that something needs to be done, before we
become Dr. B-less because of mushy entanglements. Rather than approaching
Barney as a friend and tactfully raising the subject in a non-judgmental
way, I thought it would be better if I wrote an accusatory and offensive
open letter in the public forum of my regular column.
I have ample evidence that Barney has begun to lose his touch, or at least
begun to replace it with a "love touch" of Rod Stewartian proportions. To
cite just a few recent examples:
Barney has replaced the "Twilight Zone" doorbell chime I got for him last
Christmas with a "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car!" door chime from the
Billy Ocean Pacific outlet store in Innsmouth. The Domino's guy now leaves
my crazy bread in the driveway.
Barney and Greta have begun using pet names for each other. It would make
me ill to repeat them here, but you can find the phrases in question in any
Denny's menu. I love ya, Barn, but I personally don't want to picture THAT
over my hammy.
During our recent interviews for the On-Scene Historian position, Barney
digressed from our finely-tuned, scientific questionnaire with random
questions like "Do I look fat in this?," and "If you were, say, Greta
Biedermeier, would you get lost in the fifties tonight and make love at
midnight in the dunes of the cape and stand with me on a mountain and bathe
with me in the sea?"
The other night he wouldn't let me watch "When Mollusks Attack!" on Fox
because they had rented their "anniversary movie." Do I care that exactly 7
years ago they rented "Short Circuit 2"? I got snail on snail action to
deal with, for the love of St. Pat!
Greta has convinced Barney that shoggoths are, and I quote, "kinda cute."
They've been combing the Internet for shoggoth beanie babies. ("Look, it's
Tentacled Timmy!")
Matrin was left out to dry on a recent Search & Destroy mission, when
Barney refused to get out of the car before the end of his "Titanic"
soundtrack CD. More foul-ups like that, and Matrin's other arm and eye may
not go on and on.
He refused a Guinness the other night at Colm Bloody Colm's. He got a
far-off look in his eye, and he mumbled something about wanting to be
dressed up like a baby and burped by a Biedermeier. The alliteration was pretty
good, but if he had been thinking straight, he could have fit a few more B
words in there. Off his game, I'm tellin' ya! And when I'm not happy at
the thought of more Guinness for me, it's serious, people.
Sorry, old buddy, but I had to say something. I know this is like the red
pot calling the tall kettle.....um.....well, you know what I mean. I too
have fallen prey to womanly wiles on most weekdays and every other weekend
and EVERY Arbor Day, but I have the good sense to then embarrass myself at
one of their family functions with my nude performance art version of "Pink
Floyd's The Wall" so that they never call me again. That way my senses are
only dulled by a low-level powdered sugar buzz and an intense addiction to
alcohol.
I've invited Greta to check out the Kilroy's Korner Forum in a few days, so
if any of you want to say something to her about all of this, please do.
Kilroy
Comments?
Kilroy's Korner Forum
|
